what’s the last thing you saw before you landed here?

Here’s another version of the story. A dramatic telling. Sometimes it sounds like one of those meditation/relaxation tracks, but then it gets chaotic. Also, it gets a bit loud, so maybe don’t put the volume too far up. I wonder how it is to listen to this with your eyes closed or in a dark room. Is it possible to follow my voice without reading along?

 

what’s the last thing you saw before you landed here?

waves. you see waves above you on the surface of the water. they’re rolling around up there, grey and white, the dim rays of sunlight streaking through the surface. just starting to reach you. you can start to see your own body. you used to be just as black as the water surrounding you, but now you can just start to see the silhouette of your arms and legs. you’re being drawn closer and closer to the surface, you notice how easily the water above seems to be flowing, not the slow and strong current down where you are. Not the gloom that you can’t pull yourself from.. the waves look free, like they’re having fun. like there’s something dancing up there. like the light gives them energy, like there’s something up there to see that you haven’t seen before that could maybe give you some of that Leichtigkeit. what do they see that you don’t down here? And before you know it, you’re pulled down again into the deep ocean below. Dark and soft and cold.

Soon you start to dream of the waves again. you start to crave it. floating in the darkness, you ask ”can i go up too?” and you wait for the current to respond. At first, you don’t hear anything, so you wait a little longer. you wait and wait ….and wait and then a push comes! it’s pushing you. it listened! here you go, it’s slow, but faster than before. The pressure begins to lift off from your body, bit by bit, and everything seems to be lighter and your body feels like it’s expanding, getting bigger and looser. the resistance is less and less until you feel like you’re shooting up! the light is burning your eyes, but it’s so beautiful. you are everything!

you reach the surface and you feel the waves. And they’re pulling and pushing and throwing you, slapping you, flirting with you. haha and you get the feeling that there is sooo much life happening around you. you’re exhilarated, having your body thrown wildly around. why have you not come here before? why have you not asked for this before? the ocean would have listened, but you never dared to ask. and now you’re swirling and it’s scary, but it’s also incredible.

and now there is this roughness, oh it’s scraping your skin and you’re being dragged through it and sand is rushing into your nose and eyes and your ears and through your fingers and your hair and you’re tumbling now along this grainy surface. it’s slowing you down and you’re not flying anymore. you’re just rolling up and down and back and forth and then sometimes, you hardly move and sometimes you just feel the sand on your skin, the water rushing over you and suddenly you realize you’re beached and there’s nothing left to push you. you’re stuck. in the stickiness of gravity. your body sunken into the sand.

now what do you do? is this it? it feels impossible to move without water. you’re lying vulnerable on the beach. alone. just the sound of the waves in the background, the grey of the sky and the sand pushing up from beneath you. and you realize the only way you’re going to move is to push yourself off the ground. use your own muscles and your own will, but do you even want to? is this what you came here for….? what if you just use your strength to push yourself back into the waves so they can take control again? why do you have to take control? it’s not like you know what you’re doing. it’s so much more fun when they dance with you. why do you have to dance alone?

….but hold on, what’s that? there’s a tickle on your skin…wait… there’s something else up here you haven’t felt before. it’s warm and it’s soft. softer than the waves. it’s brushing over your skin….your salty hair is knotted and flung across your face. the sand in your eyes starts to irritate you. the sand in all ofyour holes, it starts to itch and then the salt water spills out from your mouth. there’s a pouring out. all of the sand and water that you’ve lived in and in-between, it comes rushing out of you. suddenly, you’re empty and the weight of pushing yourself up, it’s gone, there’s something airy about you now.

hey, this is what you wanted, right? the adventure, the liveliness, you wanted to see what they see from up here. ok….ok okayyyy!!!!!! okaaaayyy let’s do it. dry that hair, put on those clothes. You ask, “is that what they do here, ok, here we go, this is what they do here right? am i doing it right? ok, now, how do they move? ok, you feel the breeze, ok, you feel the wind, ok, you feel it now. this is what it’s about, right? this and this, and this!!! whoosh swoop and dive and woooow the gravity is real and it’s playful and it’s fun. ok! ok! and look at those waves, they know what they are doing, look at that love and joy and energy. you’re trying, you’re trying so hard! you wonder, “am i keeping up?, does it look good?, do you see me having fun and looking light and great and swoopy..wwoooooooo 😀 look at you smile! hahah  ….ha  ….ha…h…

but then there’s something that disturbs the path and the wind is changing course and slam! bam! you can’t keep track anymore and it’s all too overwhelming. there’s a gust here and there and it’s slippery suddenly and your footing is gone and what was it that was controlling you? was it really wind or something else? and it’s just gone. and there’s only you to keep yourself going, but it’s not quite enough….you stumble and fall and look out at the ocean again….your eyes are wide. look at those waves, they definitely look better than you. just look at them…. the ocean is cold, but you could float comfortably in it forever. you scream, wait wait take me back please, i need to let go again. this is too hard. i can’t stand to even push myself up from the ground. this is too heavy. this responsibility, this what i think i want. this is too heavy to carry with my own legs.  drag me out, please, take me away from this feeling that i need to stand. take it away… you know you’re already on land. but you need the waves to pull at you pull at you give you the feeling that life is around that life is eating from you and giving to you and making you spin. not that you have to make your own wind….just a breeze please. let it in.

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