and after the lupus resumed my grandma was free

tethered by the waves

quakes and trembled at midnight

only beauty remained raw

furled as a muskrat

in a time loop

images description: 1. an intuitive drawing featuring an orange shape reminding of a snake entangled with a turquoise moon crescent 2. a close-up photo of a vivid green bushy plant with its leaves burnt by frost

20 04 2021

22 04 2021

images description: two intuitive abstract drawings featuring energy curves and lines of various vivid colors

there are times when i feel so anxious and sensorially overwhelmed in the city

that my body gets completely depleted of energy and shuts down and all

i can do

is lie under soft and feathery blankets

in dim light

listening to meditative music

trying to create a cozy and safe bubble around me

gently

breathing

closing

my eyes

sensing

touching

smelling

so that the waves

can get smaller and

slower

inside my

body

image description: 1. a self-portrait photograph where i am lying in bed, my hand wrapped around half of my face, only my left eye is visible. it is open. my head is resting on a dark blue as well as a black pillow, and my body is wrapped in a grey fleece blanket up to my nose. 2. a close-up of a pale purple, pink and yellow wildflowers bouquet

I am here at the sea seai I would like to eat coconut icecream even though the birds are blue every day it is a new logic something of its own arabesque etymological sensation arrive the land draft efty grudge into one two three I don’t really like this exercice I feel it is difficult for me my dyslexia shows through and my brain gets stuck I cannot write without stopping and still MAKE SENSE I end up just writing random words on the keyboard like just letters just hitting the keys not actually fully forming words I wonder how that is anyhow the point is that it is difficult for me I feel my fingers are going faster than my brain can maybe that’s why it only becomes random letters I have to continue writing without stopping I am trying it why not but also who said it has to be fast continuous writing if I write slower and let the words form themselves one at a time will that make a difference yes I feel there is something more harmonized when I go a bit slower it’s also this thing where I somehow need to unfold some kind of meaning that’s actually expressed in the way I intuite poems, I write them quite slow. I have to keep at it ti a uou ah you see now it became ccollapsed and I felt like I wanted to edit n on ono no we h onl only move forth fg wow my brain is bugging again interesting this is somehow great to realize and to fully admit to myself at ala last that I cannot really write fast th athgath that my brain wordks works slower than that and that di s see I am done I am tired this is too challenging right now I stop

image description: the words “What brings me joy?” computer-handwritten in pastel colors on a white background.

i woke up feeling inspired in between states of dream
i would have liked to channel some of this inspiration into writing
i started writing
it was gone

what is it that i do when i work alone in the dance studio is a question i have asked myself for years
i can never really understand the answers
maybe the only worded clarity there is
would be to say i am present with what is there across timescales
i have wings
and my heart is made of sea
i sleep and i grieve
and i dance with ghosts
but that’s just one poetic way
of nearing something
actually
completely different things
happen
and time
is a wobble

yesterday i fell in love
with the words
desire
and
consider
sider means star
in latin
desire comes from
de sidere
from the stars
which suggests that the experience of ‘desire’
has to do with the relation
between earth and the celestial bodies
that glitter our nights
ignite our
imagination
guide our inner and
outer journeys
and mirror
our dearest hopes
and yearnings

*

con sider with
the stars
they are always
available
trust
their language is
one
of the heart

image description: a smartphone photograph featuring a close-up on vivid green thawing tree buds and an added purple caption that reads “so tender so alive”.